Over a remarkably great pizza dinner last night in Brooklyn, my girlfriend and I talked about the two distinct types of lady daters—those who pursue, and those who prefer to be chased—and how this all ties into rejection, or the fear of it.
Being part of the former category myself, I find that in dating I pretty much always get what I want. I would encourage all women to try their well-manicured hand at pursuing, if only just once. Being the hunter-dater (even just for one night) is empowering, rewarding, and an instant ego-boost. I quickly learned that rejection is less like being turned down and more like not being a right fit; like a pair of too-narrow vintage snakeskin heels or that practically child-sized Herve Leger dress that just ain’t gonna fit! Remember, rejection is what you make of it. When actually faced with rejection—which rarely happens the way you’d think it would—I would consider it to not be an end-of-the-world dramatic situation and something more along the immortal lines of the king of the compulsive daters, Mick Jagger. The notoriously salacious singer—who most likely never experienced rejection—famously sang: “you can’t always get what you want/but if you try sometimes you might find/ you get what you need.” While this might seem trite or cliche, following this as your mantra will help you see the benefits of being romantically rebuffed, and to view it as a way to weed out the people who aren’t right in the first place. Like a biological imperative where if two single people don’t share that intangible pheromone-driven instant attraction to each other, then it’s just plain and simply not meant to be. Darwinist dating, anyone?
In reality, women rarely get rejected. This is something that us ladies really need to recognize. Because, let’s face it, men have an extremely hard time saying no to the mighty va-jay-jay. Unless you have a peg-leg, or some kind of flesh-eating disease it’s almost guaranteed that you can make a successful move on a man—given that he’s flashed you those telling signs that he’s game for a rendezvous, and isn’t gay, taken, or celibate. Men are transparent, easy-to-read, and pretty much defenseless when an attractive woman offers up the possibility of sex—because in the mind of a man that’s what all this courtship/dating hoopla eventually leads up to.
Armed with the knowledge that the rejection percentage is in your favor, some of the fear related to asking a dude out should diminish. While it’s still nerve wracking to put on the moves, there are some sure-fire signs to detect whether he’s feeling you. If you’re in a bar or group setting, ask yourself a few questions: has he’s been buying you drinks, or has he been attentive to you most of the night? Are there other girls around that he has been ignoring to talk to you? Has he touched you? If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, or feel a spark of interest on his end, I would totally go for it. For example, it might seem silly, but even a seemingly innocuous tap on the shoulder or playful punches on the arm can equal an implied sexual tension that you can capitalize on. Playfulness usually translates as unactualized interest. Like the whole notion of why characters in Shakesperian plays fought so much amongst themselves: sexual frustration. Think of these love taps as a phenomenon that harkens back to our elementary school days when the boys would chase the girls around the playground, hurling insults and pulling at our perfectly coiffed hair or pulling at our pink garden party dresses. This was merely a primordial—and brutish—stage of flirtation. Men, and boys alike, have a hard time coherently expressing interest sometimes, and if you can locate the signs or have an intuitive sense of when a man is vibe-ing you sexually, you have the advantage and I would whole-heartedly encourage you to maximize on this.
Perhaps one night you should take this hunter-dating mentality out on a test drive just to see what it feels like, and to see if your inherent guy-sense is working or not. Remember, dating is like anything in life, the more you do it the better you get. If anything you’ll have an exciting time honing your hunting, er, dating skills.