Sex with Strangers: The Allure of Anonymous Coupling

Fantasies are like opinions—everyone’s got one.

Whether it’s full-fledged fetish or minimal kink, filming amateur porn or voyeurism, there’s a unique—or universal—fantasy for everyone. Recently I asked a handful of my best lady pals about their ultimate sexual fantasy, and along with the obligatory torrid affairs with famous actors and rock n’ rollers, the tie-me-up-tie-me-down scenario, and role play sessions, the most popular desire was steamy no strings sex with strangers. Yes, sex with strangers.

While anonymous sex always sounds dangerously appealing—I mean, who hasn’t dreamed about an impromptu liaison with an unknown lover in a dark alley?—I was curious about the origins of this fantasy and why it was so incredibly common among such a wide range of women.

I can’t speak for all women, but in my experience, sex with a stranger is somehow easier to perform mainly because my feelings and inherent need to attach emotionally are not at the forefront of the experience, or as my smart-as-a-whip friend Lucy says, “It’s sex with no repercussions.” I believe that sex incognito-style ignites the passion reflex in so many women simply because it allows us to divorce ourselves from the mind-fuck of sexual intercourse, and enables us to speak and think only with the intuitive motions of the body. It’s a liberating experience for some, and a way to heighten desire and release hold of the inhibitions we might experience with tried-and-true lovers. There are a lot of things you are willing to try with someone you know you’ll never meet again, and this newfound courage can be simply intoxicating.

While I know many women who have had smoking hot stranger sex, there is also a reason why this is merely a fantasy for most. In the same way that we want to not over-anazylize the monogamous sex we’re having, I think that many women will find that getting frisky with a complete unknown will also spark anxious thoughts about STDs, your partner’s sexual past, and even the potentiality of feeling dirty or emotionally low post-coitus. It’s this frequent over-analyzing that is so hard for women to abandon even though it’s extremely detrimental to our sex lives. It’s kind of a fucked if you do/fucked if you don’t scenario. Have the lustful no-commitment sex and over-think it, or have the loving sex with your partner and over-think it. There is good reason why we fantasize about lovemaking without the self-imposed thought spiral.

If only we could find some way to incorporate the mindlessness of a casual encounter into monogamy…

When I think back upon my younger and wilder days, most of my sexual experiences were lackluster and unremarkable mainly because I was sleeping with random people rather than an attentive lover who actually cared about getting me off. Up until age 24, I had only had short flings and one-night stands, never developing that bond or orgasm-centric sex that comes with monogamy. In addition, I used to walk away from these trysts feeling empty and unsatisfied because the very thing we are collectively running away from in our stranger sex fantasies (routine, safety, comfort) can be the very thing that makes coupling so rewarding.

Perhaps it was my fear of attachment, or my need to experience the newness of a random partner, but after a while I got really freaked out by the fact that I was sharing such an intimate side of myself with people who didn’t even know my last name—or even my first name for that matter. The twenty-one-year-old professional surfer I lost my virginity to impolitely asked me what my name was after we performed the dirty deed, and while there are a string of past lovers whose faces I will never forget, their names completely slip my mind. Unfortunately so does the sex.

Since a large majority of women in their late-twenties and early-thirties aren’t going to satisfy this desire for an anonymous hook-up, how we can recreate this anything-goes, inhibition-free sex with your partner? Is it even possible? In a perfect scenario your sex life is just as hot—or even hotter—than when you met. But what if you need to put your bedroom romps back in the XXX zone? I would suggest taking some time to recognize what your current fantasies involve—do you want to be tied up? Do you want to recreate a steamy scene you saw in a movie? Do you want to try posing for sexy photos then see where the evening leads?—and then share this information with your partner, no matter how weird you think it might sound. He’s guaranteed to have some equally as hot fantasies up his sleeve. Communicating desires that you can act out together will allow you to have the thrill that you might associate with a one-night stand and the safety and security that only your partner can provide. Talk about a win-win situation where everybody gets off.

Now what are your favorite fantasies?